Humainologie creative dialogue with related book synopsis for tomorrow Wednesday June 2

“Any problem, big or small, within a family, always seems to start with bad communication. Someone isn’t listening.” - Emma Thompson

“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.” – Anthony Robbins

Our suggested topic for creative dialogue tomorrow, Wednesday June 2, is Creative Thinking and the Butterfly Effect. I have herewith appended my synopsis of the book Negotiating the Nonnegotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts by Daniel Shapiro, which you might use as a resource for our creative dialogue tomorrow. Among the many gems from the book that I did not quite find space to include in my synopsis, is his suggestion to become more aware of your awareness (observe yourself in the thick of the moment). Step back from your impulses. “Everything you experience in a conflict – a wave of shame, an urge to escape, an impulse to yell – will not only be lived and felt by you, but also narrated to you, by you, in real time.”

Other approaches to conflict resolution have been developed, which may have many similarities to Shapiro’s approach. The Harvard Principles of Negotiation are an example, different source but not so different in their essence:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfTalFEeKKE

Peter Coleman, director of the Difficult Conversations Lab at Columbia University, is among many other authors of publications in this field. That said, the book by Shapiro seems an excellent place to start.

Here once again is the Zoom link for our dialogue, provided by Shinobu.

Topic: Humainologie creative dialogue Time: June 2, 2021 06:30 PM Mountain Time (US and Canada) Every week on Wed, until Jun 30, 2021, 9 occurrences Join Zoom Meeting https://us02web.zoom.us/j/86972034113?pwd=M2g3MzEvMWs5dXhHcFVCbVNkVG1idz09 Meeting ID: 869 7203 4113 Passcode: 12345

Amor fati,

Arthur

Book: (Daniel Shapiro) Negotiating the Nonnegotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts (2016, 2017)

Daniel Shapiro founded and directed the Harvard International Negotiation Program. He describes a story related to him 25 years previously after he had facilitated a workshop on conflict resolution for teenage refugees – Serbs, Bosnian Muslims, and Croats – in Yugoslavia. One of the participants, a young woman who related her story in a monotone, described how three men with guns had entered her boyfriend’s house while she was having lunch with him. They pinned her to the floor, forced her boyfriend on top of her, face down on her face, and slit his throat.

We human beings think of ourselves as intelligent. So why have we been unable, when emotional or even violent conflict begins to emerge, to simply “collaboratively problem solve differences,” to define the interests of both sides to the conflict, then come to an agreement that works for both sides and commit to it? The author delineates three reasons why we are often unable to do this, in countless human conflicts from the interpersonal to the international. The three reasons are based on emotions; trust; and identity: 1) You usually cannot “solve” your emotions; they don’t follow your instructions. 2) Your distrust of the other party to the conflict can raise the very serious issue of risk to your own best interests. 3) You have an identity, which is extremely difficult or impossible to negotiate. However, all three of these things – emotions, trust, and identity - are fluid; they change over time.

Shapiro takes a focus different from the two “sides” in a conflict. His focus is “the space between sides.” If you can “decode” that space, and “design processes to help [the adversaries] work through intransigent emotions, divisive dynamics, and clashing beliefs,” then your chances of conflict resolution will improve.

The book is divided into four sections. The first (Chapters 1-4) entitled “Why Do We Get Stuck in Conflict?” takes a detailed look at identity. In Chapter 2, “Identity Matters (More than You Think)” he describes an exercise he has conducted many times, in which a large group of participants (for example at Davos, Switzerland, at the World Economic Forum) is divided into working groups (“tribes”) and each working group is asked to decide on their values (Equality? Women as decision makers? etcetera) that will define their tribal identity. Then abruptly at the end of the allotted time they are told that the world will be destroyed unless they can reconvene and decide which tribe all the other tribes will join to create a unified community worldwide. The tribes begin to argue and cannot agree in time for the deadline. “The world exploded at Davos,” he writes – and in most other places where he has conducted the exercise. Chapter 3, “Is Identity Negotiable?” presents a way of thinking about your “core identity” and the power of your “relational identity.” In Chapter 4, “How to Avoid Getting Lured into Conflict,” he examines the Five Lures of the Tribal Mind. These are Vertigo (loss of emotional control); Repetition Compulsion (a self-defeating pattern of behaviour you feel compelled to repeat); Taboos (social prohibitions that hinder cooperative action); Assault on the Sacred (an attack on the most meaningful pillars of someone’s identity); and Identity Politics (“manipulation of your identity for another’s political benefit”). Although these are usually traps, some of them can be reconfigured to keep you out of the trap.

The second section of the book, “How to Break Free,” has Chapters 5-9, with the following titles: “Stop Vertigo Before It Consumes You,” “Resist the Repetition Compulsion,” “Acknowledge Taboos,” “Respect the Sacred – Don’t Assault It,” and “Use Identity Politics to Unify.” In that ninth chapter, the author’s definition of Identity Politics differs from the definition he uses in his description of the Five Lures. He defines Identity Politics in Chapter 9 as “the process of positioning your identity to advance a political purpose.” If your political purpose is conflict resolution, you would position your identity accordingly. Shapiro emphasizes use of “the Relentless We” to include all the adversaries. For example: “We are trapped in this conflict which has drained our resources. How can we escape from this trap?” “The Relentless We really must be relentless,” he insists.

Section 3, “How to Reconcile Relations,” describes a 4-step method for “Bridging the Divide,” with Chapter 10 being a sort of preface to the four steps. The essential thing is to aim for harmony; your “victory” can be your undoing. “Uncover the Mythos of Identity” (Chapter 11) is the first step for bridging the divide, in which you focus on the stories the various adversaries tell themselves about who they are. “The more deeply you appreciate each other’s mythos, the more space you create to build positive relations.” Understanding the other side’s “story” means understanding the other side’s perspective on the conflict in which both of you are trapped. The second step, “Work Through Emotional Pain” (Chapter 12), calls upon each party to the conflict to explore and even try to experience the pain the other side has been through; and then to consider forgiveness. The third step, “Build Crosscutting Connections” (Chapter 13), emphasizes the decisive importance of enriching the interactions between (or among) the people who have been divided. The fourth step for bridging the divide is “Reshape the Relationship” (Chapter 14), in which three options are presented, essentially separation, assimilation, and synthesis. Separation is familiar from marital separation and ethnic nationalism; assimilation could be the “melting pot” envisioned by the United States or homogenization of values dictated by a tyrant; and synthesis can be a system that cherishes diversity and brings people of various cultures and ethnicities together in that spirit.

Section 4, Chapter 15, “Manage Dialectics” refers not only to Kant’s thesis-antithesis-synthesis model, but also Hegel’s suggested revision, summarized by Shapiro: “an idea progresses through three states: abstract, negative, and concrete.” A great idea must go from the original abstraction through trial and error to encounter the “negative,” the limitations, before the more concrete synthesis can emerge. Dialectics that dominate the emotional world of conflict include acceptance vs. change and redemption vs. revenge. Autonomy vs. affiliation is the “third dialectic,” which Shapiro calls the “essential dialectic of coexistence”: The tension between desire to be one with another (affiliation) and one (apart) from another (autonomy). The final, very concise, concluding Chapter 16 “Foster the Spirit of Reconciliation,” emphasizes 1. Reconciliation is a choice. No one can force it on you. 2. Small changes can make a big difference. That’s the butterfly effect. 3. Don’t wait. “If a conflict distresses you, give it the attention it deserves. The fundamental struggle of reconciliation is not with other people, but within yourself. Internal resistance is the greatest obstacle to peace, and no one can overcome that for you.”

This synopsis gives only a glimpse of what can be considered a “toolbox” full of essentials for conflict resolution. Conflict resolution skills will continue to be of life and death importance in human history and in our everyday lives. Reading this book and learning to use these tools is probably well worth your time and effort.